No one really talks about the messy situation following the dawn of freedom and democracy.
The conversation is mostly nostalgic and about the renewal of the liberation movement. This is flogging a dead horse.
Something happened after the unbanning, the return and release of political prisoners.
Over the last 32 years or so, it has become increasingly clear that we have changed. Something in us has broken.
We are not the defiant, fearless and death-defying people we once were. We are not willing to die for principle.
Worse, we have failed to grow to become the New African Personalities that we imagined, agents of the society we all want and fought for.
In fact, we shall never be who we must become: courageous, free, independent and self-determining.
We are just …er, here and now. Modimo ore file motsotsonyana – God has given us a short time like a candle light to be here.
Thus, we pretend to make the best of the bad, in an injust society.
Where we are is in the middle of nowhere. No direction.
It is difficult to navigate as there is no room to experiment and explore.
The only route is to go deeper into the belly of the beast. To become part of The System you fought against.
You feel like a failure. Yet, this sense does not make you feel angry or desperate. You adjust to take it in your stride.
You are going through the processes of the system. It feels like you have inhaled something or injected with something that numbs you to become a robot.
It is confusing that you think you can hold two opposing ideas in the same head and still think you are sane.
Not too long ago, you were a freedom fighter. Then you willingly turned into a Comprador.
It does not cause you misery to be comfortable in an unjust and unequal society.
You dress up to drink and dine with political thugs and robber capitalists who give you positions and awards. Worse, you smile and pose for pictures.
It now makes no difference. You think this is normal.
This is quite confusing and maddening.
So, you learn to be stoic, to accept and resign yourself to feel powerless and to accept what your conscience refuses to live with.
And you realize that you have lived for 60 or 70 years and more. It is a long blessed life. And all you really need to do is to let go.
You must travel to see the world, go into voluntary exile.
You ask yourself: was is worth it? Why am I here?
What have you gained from all this madness, thinking that you are some big shot journalist or some heroic figure.
So, you learn to take long walks … in the forest. To be closer to nature. To hear the borda sing. To feel the sand under your feel.
You go to the beach to find a quiet spot to be with your thoughts. To watch the world drift by. People chasing the wind.
Nothing has changed. And nothing ever will. It is a dog eat dog society.
There is nothing new that will be born even if the old were to die.
Is Apartheid dead? There is no right or wrong answer. They only removed the Whites-Only signs.
I think it is a waste of time to wait for the new. Transformation has not happened.
Worse, one needs to close the door to let go of the Past that calls you back to celebrate the trauma and pain.
I think one must quiet down all the old stories and noses. The Past is a dangerous place to live in. It is not enough to keep you safe.
You cannot relive the Past. It is dead and gone. To accept that is to grow, to draw a líne in the sand.
Leave the Past where it belongs, in the Past.
Perhaps we have to reach that point where things fall apart before you can start to rebuild.
The old must die for the new to be born.
The Past must be buried for the Future to arise.
There must be no rush. One must just walk through this process one shaky step at a time. Breath in and breath out.
Do as they say. Dont question. Comply. Write for yourself.
These are days to make hard choice. The Past is not coming back. And the Future is not guaranteed.
But you must wake up everyday. Remain humble.
Give thanks that you woke up in a beautiful country. It is not perfect. It is beautiful to be alive.
Make your favorite cup of coffee. Pop open a bottle of wine. Spend time with those who love you, even if they dont want you to speak your Truth.
You need to keep walking. It is what it is. Life is like that. And you can only live it once.
M’ntu Omnyama, Does this make sense?
